Five @ Fifty Read online

  TRICIA: I’ve always admired your hands-on approach to parenting.

  LORENE gives FERN her drink.

  FERN: Thank you Lorene. Blake’s got a lot of girls calling him but he’s fourteen. You know how scared they are at that age. And Donnie’s still into comic books and computer games.

  FERN notices LORENE’s gift.

  I thought we agreed on a group gift.

  LORENE: I know but it was on sale half price.

  NORMA: What is it?

  LORENE: Chanel gift set.

  TRICIA: What did we get her Fern?

  FERN: A pair of diamond earrings. You owe me one thousand dollars each.

  Pause.

  TRICIA: You’re joking.

  FERN: Of course I’m joking. Look at the box. It’s a set of antique highball glasses. With the ducks painted on them. Like your uncle had behind the bar in his basement rec room. You each owe me thirty bucks.

  They give money to FERN as they speak.

  LORENE: I can’t believe you got Trish. Diamonds. Hah.

  TRICIA: She didn’t get me.

  LORENE: She totally got you.

  FERN: Just because I’m a housewife doesn’t mean I don’t have a sense of humour.

  TRICIA: Normal Ferny’s being mean to me.

  NORMA: Stand up for yourself.

  TRICIA: But she always takes the moral high ground because she has children.

  NORMA: You’re an award winning newspaper columnist.

  TRICIA: But my womb is barren. My ovaries are dusty.

  LORENE: Wasn’t Dusty Ovaries a country singer?

  FERN: I brought a card for everyone to sign.

  TRICIA: You think of everything.

  FERN: Lorene why don’t we put your gift with this one and we’ll say we all got her both of them?

  LORENE: Because that’s my own personal gift.

  TRICIA: Great but we’d’ve all gotten our own personal gift for Olivia if we’d known you were going to do it.

  LORENE: I didn’t think it would be such a big deal.

  FERN: It’s not.

  TRICIA: But if you agree to something you should do it.

  LORENE: Whatever. Jeez.

  FERN sets the card and a pen on the table. The others sign the card as they speak.

  NORMA: How’s Walt?

  FERN: Thankfully not crazy. I talk to a lot of wives our age and their husbands are crazy. Buying sports cars screwing their secretaries getting tattoos you know. How’s Clifford?

  LORENE: Excellent. He was really pissed when I told him boys weren’t allowed tonight.

  FERN: Such a lovely guy.

  TRICIA: Yes. Lovely.

  NORMA: Tricia.

  LORENE: Are you being an evil witch?

  TRICIA: A bit.

  NORMA: We’re all evil witches.

  TRICIA: From time to time.

  LORENE: It’s what holds us together.

  TRICIA: That and the horrible high school dance where no one actually asked any of us to dance.

  NORMA: Let that go.

  TRICIA: But it is where we bonded.

  LORENE: I never forgot that night.

  TRICIA: Is it too early to light a joint?

  LORENE: Never.

  FERN: Why do you think no one asked us to dance?

  LORENE: It’s not like we were all unattractive.

  TRICIA: We intimidated them.

  NORMA: I intimidated them. And I was unattractive.

  TRICIA: Maybe it was so we could get to know each other.

  TRICIA lights a joint. They all share it.

  NORMA: Good one.

  LORENE: That smells so great.

  FERN: I shouldn’t but I will.

  TRICIA: You always say that.

  FERN: I only smoke when I’m with you guys. Last time I came home and ate half a pan of date squares and laughed hysterically at everything Walt said to me. If he’d noticed—

  NORMA: Pass it on.

  FERN: He’s very “anti drugs.”

  LORENE: No one can see us from the street can they?

  NORMA: It’s fine. Relax.

  LORENE: I do have a professional reputation to maintain.

  FERN: Is that cheese?

  NORMA: There’s sour cream dip as well.

  LORENE: And stuffed artichokes—and plump little dumplings—aren’t they darling.

  NORMA: And gravy for dipping.

  TRICIA: No point coming to Norma and Olivia’s if you’re not gonna pig out.

  NORMA: I enjoy cooking.

  LORENE: Who needs a fresh up?

  NORMA: Let me.

  LORENE: I can do it.

  LORENE exits to the kitchen.

  FERN: Do you think she knows Clifford is gay?

  TRICIA: No.

  FERN: Oh dear.

  NORMA: As long as they’re happy.

  FERN: Are you seeing anyone Trish?

  TRICIA: Not at the moment.

  FERN: What happened to that nice man from India?

  TRICIA: He neglected to inform me he was married in India.

  NORMA: Oh no.

  TRICIA: Oh yeah. Six months of seeing one another and two weeks ago his heretofore unknown to me heartbreakingly handsome son shows up while Mister India’s in the shower and I’m making breakfast.

  FERN: Seriously?

  TRICIA: It was all very civilized. Apparently I wasn’t the first concubine Interjit had taken up with in North America. I don’t mind being someone’s mistress if I know I’m their mistress but when they lie to me—

  FERN: Those people are accustomed to multiple partners. Deception is easy for them. Like Mormons.

  NORMA: Fern.

  TRICIA: Where’s that joint?

  NORMA: Over here.

  LORENE enters with drinks.

  LORENE: Freshies for everyone.

  TRICIA: You’re so handy.

  LORENE: Never having been pretty enough to whore my way to the top I learned to mix and carry drinks at an early age.

  TRICIA: Not as hard on your knees.

  FERN: Stop.

  TRICIA: Remember when oral sex was taboo?

  LORENE: Do I? That was my special thing. Oral. Every Jewish girl has a special thing. Like some sewed or embroidered or sang or played the piano. Then one day it was like everyone was playing the fucking piano.

  FERN: Lorene.

  LORENE: I had to resort to taking it in the butt just to keep them interested.

  FERN: Lorene!

  LORENE: Ha!

  FERN: I still prefer sex to be paired with romance.

  LORENE: Yeah but you’ve been married to the same dude since you were twenty-one—you have no conception of how the real world works—

  OLIVIA enters suddenly and screams.

  OLIVIA: Surprise!

  TRICIA: Fuck!

  NORMA: Jesus!

  FERN: Olivia!

  NORMA: You were supposed to call before you left the bar.

  OLIVIA: I knew you girls’d be waiting for me. Air kisses for everyone.

  FERN: You knew?

  OLIVIA: Kinda not hard to put it together.

  TRICIA: You didn’t drive.

  OLIVIA: I haven’t had that much to drink.

  OLIVIA kisses NORMA.

  NORMA: Welcome home.

  OLIVIA: Is that pot I smell?

  TRICIA: I’ve got more.

  OLIVIA: Spark it up. Who’s mixing the drinks?

  LORENE: What’s your poison?

  OLIVIA: Vodka. Rocks. Why isn’t there any music?

  NORMA: We like to talk.

  OLIVIA: It’s a party. I want music.

  NORMA: It’s so distracting.

  OLIVIA: We are old aren’t we?

  TRICIA: Fifty.

  OLIVIA: Jesus. How did that happen?

  FERN: It sneaks up on you.

  TRICIA: That’s right. You turned fifty already.

  FERN: Last February.

  LORENE: You were supposed to remind us.

  FERN: I spent it with my famil
y.

  NORMA: So tonight’s a double celebration.

  OLIVIA: Oh sure. Make me share my birthday with the beautiful one.

  FERN: Tonight should be all about you.

  OLIVIA: I know.

  FERN: I have other people who love me.

  LORENE: Ha.

  FERN: You know what I mean.

  NORMA: I made dumplings.

  OLIVIA: Joint?

  TRICIA: Right here.

  NORMA: My mother was old when she was fifty.

  OLIVIA: I don’t feel a day over forty-two.

  NORMA: And you don’t look a day over thirty-five.

  LORENE: If you’re squinting through a dirty fish tank.

  OLIVIA: At midnight!

  LORENE: Ha!

  OLIVIA: To fucking fifty.

  All raise their glasses in a toast.

  ALL: To fucking fifty!

  TRICIA raises her glass again.

  TRICIA: And the fact that unlike a lot of other people we know none of us has cancer.

  OLIVIA: No sick friends on my birthday. It’s sad but boring.

  NORMA: Eat.

  LORENE: Drink. Who needs more?

  TRICIA: No one’s driving right?

  FERN: Walt’s on standby.

  LORENE: Clifford will come whenever I call.

  TRICIA: I’ll walk.

  LORENE: It’s not safe the way you roam the streets at night.

  TRICIA: I can take care of myself.

  NORMA: She can. I’ve seen her.

  OLIVIA: Tricia can do anything.

  TRICIA: I suck at sports.

  FERN: I loved that piece you did on the way the river parks have degenerated.

  TRICIA: People keep dumping and the city does nothing.

  LORENE: The one about putting Bogie down was wonderful too. Dead pets always make me cry.

  TRICIA: The hardest thing I’ve ever written.

  OLIVIA: Quit talking about her. It’s my birthday.

  FERN: How does if feel?

  OLIVIA: It’s wonderful.

  FERN: Your life is blessed.

  TRICIA: Who woulda thought after meeting in grade eleven you two would still be together?

  LORENE: Your relationship’s lasted longer than anyone’s—even Fern’s.

  TRICIA: Which is pretty wild considering you didn’t even admit you were lovers until you were thirty.

  NORMA: Tricia.

  OLIVIA: She wanted to but I never would until she told me she’d leave if I didn’t put out.

  NORMA: Livy—

  OLIVIA: I loved her so what could I do?

  FERN: Is that true?

  NORMA: She’s had a bit to drink.

  OLIVIA: There were plenty of men who wanted me but no one ever loved me as much as Norma did.

  TRICIA: And all that time I was sure you were both licking each other the second we left the room.

  OLIVIA: Nope. We played around a bit but just best friend stuff. I was scared.

  TRICIA: Scared?

  FERN: I know what you mean.

  NORMA: Luckily she came around.

  OLIVIA: At thirtysomething.

  LORENE: You waited fifteen years to have sex with her?

  FERN: That’s devotion.

  TRICIA: That’s pathetic.

  LORENE: So you’re not a real lesbian?

  OLIVIA: I am the person who loves Norma. And we have some amazing sex so shut up. We went to Jackson’s Cape for dinner the other night. It was so good. The music was a bit loud but the room was really nice and the food. We started with scallops wrapped in bacon a shrimp remoulade and a gumbo for the table.

  LORENE: There were other people at the table?

  OLIVIA: No. Norma was going to have the lamb but I wanted the lamb so I talked her into trying the catfish with the shrimp étouffée and we got the buckwheat pasta with chorizo for the table.

  TRICIA: That’s one well fed table.

  OLIVIA: They had seven different dessert choices. Lemon cream apple crumble dulce de leche torte—

  TRICIA: We’re getting all the dessert choices too?

  OLIVIA: Watermelon ice cream sticky butterscotch pudding.

  NORMA: Gâteau Saint-Honoré.

  OLIVIA: And one more.

  TRICIA: It doesn’t really matter.

  OLIVIA: Sssh. What was it?

  NORMA: I can’t.

  OLIVIA: Lemon cream apple crumble dulce de leche torte watermelon ice cream sticky butterscotch pudding gâteau Saint-Honoré and.

  NORMA: Figs.

  OLIVIA: Stone warmed figs in maple syrup and crème fraîche?

  NORMA: No that was at the Diplomatico.

  OLIVIA: Then what?

  NORMA: I can’t.

  OLIVIA: Lemon cream apple crumble.

  TRICIA: Really?

  OLIVIA: Hush. Dulce de leche torte watermelon ice cream.

  FERN: Livy.

  OLIVIA: Sticky butterscotch pudding gâteau Saint-Honoré and.

  NORMA & OLIVIA: TIRAMISU.

  LORENE: Thank god.

  OLIVIA: Norma had the gâteau. I had the crumble.

  TRICIA: Fascinating.

  OLIVIA: Don’t be so sour.

  FERN: It sounds very good.

  NORMA: Time for cake.

  LORENE: Y’think?

  NORMA exits.

  OLIVIA: Why is my glass empty?

  FERN: Let me refill it.

  OLIVIA: Thank you Fern. Everyone refill your glasses. We’re going to sing old show tunes. Really loud.

  TRICIA: No.

  NORMA enters with a cake lit by a single candle and leads them in a brisk version of “Happy Birthday.”

  LORENE: Now make a wish and blow out the candle.

  OLIVIA: I’m wishing for smooth skin and firmer boobs.

  TRICIA: Throw in a waist.

  OLIVIA: Cow.

  FERN: Blow.

  OLIVIA blows out the candle. Everyone claps. NORMA cuts and serves the cake.

  TRICIA: Tiny pieces for the dieters.

  OLIVIA: And big ones for the hogs.

  FERN: Omigod look!

  NORMA: Double creamy chocolate ganache.

  LORENE: I just peed a little bit when you said that.

  NORMA: And there’s fake whipped cream made from an edible oil product to squirt on top.

  FERN: You’re evil.

  NORMA: Just to take the edge off.

  LORENE: This is so good.

  TRICIA: But so bad.

  NORMA: Almost forgot.

  NORMA exits to the kitchen.

  FERN: Forgot what?

  OLIVIA: Our special treat.

  LORENE: Is it something else to eat?

  TRICIA: That would just be mean.

  NORMA enters with champagne.

  NORMA: Ta da!

  The other women clap and squeal with pleasure as NORMA opens the bottle.

  FERN: Ooh champagne.

  TRICIA: The expensive stuff. I love it.

  NORMA: Everyone grab a glass.

  The champagne is poured.

  FERN: Yum.

  LORENE: Speech from the birthday girl. Speech speech.

  OLIVIA: Oh stop.

  NORMA: Speech.

  OLIVIA: Okay. Thank you all. My bestest friends. So nice of you to come and give me gifts. And cake. Champagne. I’m fat. But I’m happy. And I know you all look down on me. I’m kidding. You don’t look down on me. I look down on you. All of you. Especially Tricia. Kidding. Tricia’s the best. Of all of us. She can do anything.

  TRICIA: Okay—

  OLIVIA: And Fern who’s still got the same husband. And Lorene who married—all those guys. And Tricia with all of her meaningless sexual encounters and—

  TRICIA: God bless us every one.

  ALL BUT OLIVIA & TRICIA: God bless us every one.

  OLIVIA: I wasn’t done.

  LORENE: We got the gist.

  NORMA: Have more cake.

  OLIVIA: I don’t want any fucking cake where are my presents?

  FERN: Here. This
is from all of us.

  LORENE: Except me. I got you my own gift.

  TRICIA: Lorene.

  LORENE: What? I did.

  OLIVIA shakes the package.

  OLIVIA: Oh this feels really like—

  FERN: Careful.

  OLIVIA drops the package. Sound of glasses shattering. Pause.

  OLIVIA: Glasses.

  FERN: Duck glasses.

  OLIVIA: I love them.

  TRICIA: You broke them.

  OLIVIA: They slipped.

  NORMA: It’s alright. They broke in the box. No damage done.

  TRICIA: If you don’t count the smashed antique glasses.