Kill Me Now Read online

JOEY:

  Ih coh. (It’s cold.)

  JAKE:

  It’ll help that rash.

  JOEY:

  Ukuh. (Okay.)

  JAKE:

  Does it feel better?

  JOEY:

  Yuh.

  JAKE:

  Into your underpants.

  JOEY:

  Nuh deepah. (No diaper.)

  JAKE:

  Until you can wipe your own ass properly you’re going to have to wear them bud. This isn’t a debate.

  JOEY sullenly allows his father to help him into the underwear.

  JOEY:

  Deepah.

  JAKE:

  Safety pants.

  JOEY:

  Ah nuh nee fuhin sayve panz! (I don’t need fucking safety pants!)

  JAKE:

  Watch your language.

  JOEY:

  Yuh wuhuvuh. (Yeah whatever.)

  JAKE:

  I mean it

  JOEY:

  Ruh. (Right.)

  JAKE dresses him.

  JAKE:

  I’m not the enemy. You just tell me what you need and I’ll do whatever I can to make it happen. You know that.

  JOEY:

  Yuh.

  JAKE:

  And if it’s just general adolescent angst and I’m the easiest target then I’d suggest finding someplace more constructive to direct it because I don’t deserve it.

  JOEY is now dressed. JAKE helps him into his wheelchair.

  JOEY:

  Duh ooh kish Muhmuh. (Did you kiss Mommy.)

  JAKE:

  Of course. You kiss people when you love them. It’s natural.

  JOEY:

  Nuh guh wuh kish muh. (No girl will kiss me.)

  JAKE:

  Someone will.

  JOEY:

  Nuh. Ah hungy.

  JAKE:

  You’re a fine looking boy.

  JOEY:

  Dun lah tuh muh. (Don’t lie to me.)

  TWYLA is heard from off stage.

  TWYLA:

  Hey?

  JAKE:

  We’re in the bathroom.

  TWYLA:

  Are you naked?

  JAKE:

  Not anymore.

  TWYLA enters carrying her bag and a plainly wrapped box.

  TWYLA:

  Good.

  JOEY:

  Eh Un Tuhluh. (Hey Aunt Twyla.)

  TWYLA:

  Hey brat.

  JAKE:

  Hey.

  TWYLA:

  You boys all cleaned up?

  JOEY:

  Yuh. Kehn.

  JAKE:

  He had some drama at school today.

  TWYLA:

  What’s pissing you off?

  JAKE:

  He pushed Daisy.

  TWYLA:

  Don’t be pushing people.

  JOEY

  : See sud ah wuh— (She said I was—)

  TWYLA:

  You are too big to be pushing anyone around.

  JAKE:

  You are.

  TWYLA:

  Especially girls. I want it to stop. Seriously.

  Pause.

  I mean it.

  JOEY:

  Uhkuh. (Okay.)

  Pause.

  TWYLA:

  You’re looking hot in that shirt.

  JAKE:

  He picked it out himself.

  JOEY:

  Feez nush. (Feels nice.)

  JAKE:

  How’s that swarthy guy?

  TWYLA:

  Hector. Fine. Don’t ask.

  JOEY:

  Wus ih duh bosh? (What’s in the box?)

  TWYLA:

  Wouldn’t you like to know?

  JOEY:

  Ish id fuh muh? (Is it for me?)

  TWYLA:

  Why do you think everything’s for you?

  JOEY:

  Cuh uh spuhshuh. (Because I’m special.)

  TWYLA:

  This is true.

  JOEY:

  Wuh hiz ih? (What is it?)

  She gives him the package. He immediately bangs on it hard.

  TWYLA:

  Joey no!

  JOEY:

  Suruh. (Sorry.)

  TWYLA:

  Don’t wanna break it.

  JAKE:

  What is it?

  TWYLA:

  Ready to open it?

  JOEY:

  Yuh.

  TWYLA:

  Want me to do it or Dad?

  JOEY:

  Ooh. (You.)

  She takes the package from him.

  TWYLA:

  Hold your breath buddy boy because it is a brand spanking new—(She tears the wrapping off of the box and opens it.)—state-of-the-art computer tablet!

  JOEY:

  Poodah tabuh? (Computer tablet?)

  TWYLA:

  Yeah. Check it out—multi-media capabilities a writing program mail camera—

  JAKE:

  That’s a lot of buttons. You know his motor control and touch ability aren’t really—

  TWYLA turns the tablet on.

  TWYLA:

  I talked to the programmer before I bought it and he customized it for us. Basically there are three buttons he needs to hit on the touch screen and they’re big. Just poke or slide. It’s even got a phone.

  JOEY:

  Uh foe? (A phone?)

  TWYLA:

  Watch this.

  She hits a button on her communications device. His pad beeps.

  JOEY:

  Cuh. (Cool.)

  TWYLA:

  Answer it.

  JOEY hits a button.

  JOEY:

  Ah suh yuh. (I see you.)

  TWYLA:

  (into her device) And I can see you.

  JOEY:

  Fuh yuh. (Fuck yeah.)

  JAKE:

  Joey.

  JOEY:

  Suruh. (Sorry.)

  TWYLA:

  I tied him into your net connection—full access including real-time visual chat synchronized with your phone.

  JAKE:

  Wow.

  TWYLA:

  Aren’t you glad I’m ten years younger than you?

  JAKE:

  Totally. I could never do that shit.

  JOEY:

  (fascinated with tablet) Gumsh? (Games?)

  TWYLA:

  Just hit the button marked games.

  JOEY:

  Gumsh?

  TWYLA:

  You know how to spell it.

  JOE

  y: Gumsh!

  He hits a button and there’s a noise from the machine.

  TWYLA:

  Not so hard. You have to be careful. Now pick something from the menu.

  JAKE:

  Something without shooting.

  JOEY:

  Wuh? (Why?)

  JAKE:

  Because you get too aggressive.

  TWYLA:

  I had them delete the aggression games. Try the Magic Worms. Play around. You’ll figure out what works best for you real fast.

  JAKE:

  Thank your Aunt.

  JOEY:

  (dismissively) Sankoo. (Thank you.)

  TWYLA:

  You’re welcome.

  JAKE:

  You’re too good to us. I could never afford—

  TWYL
A:

  Don’t sweat it. I got the staff discount.

  JAKE:

  He’s all cleaned up. Just brush his teeth before bed.

  TWYLA:

  He’ll be okay with that?

  JAKE:

  Why wouldn’t he?

  TWYLA:

  He seems to be getting a bit—shy around me these days.

  JAKE:

  Yeah. Puberty finally hit.

  TWYLA:

  He doesn’t want his aunt wiping his ass or washing his feet anymore.

  JAKE:

  He’s embarrassed.

  TWYLA:

  I’ve taken care of him since he was a kid.

  JAKE:

  You’re still a woman.

  TWYLA:

  I get it.

  JAKE:

  His melatonin and night medications are where they always are.

  TWYLA:

  He’ll have his face in that tablet all night.

  JAKE:

  What are you going to do?

  TWYLA:

  I’ve got a new book and some messages to answer.

  JAKE:

  The swarthy guy’s not coming over?

  TWYLA:

  Go to your hockey game.

  JAKE:

  My cell’s on if you need me.

  TWYLA:

  We’ll be fine.

  JAKE exits. TWYLA moves to JOEY and watches him playing with the tablet.

  You like it?

  JOEY nods, ignoring her.

  It can speak for you too. Just type in what you want to say.

  JOEY nods.

  Let me show you—

  JOEY pushes her hand away.

  JOEY:

  Um ukuh Un Twuhluh. (I’m okay Aunt Twyla.)

  TWYLA:

  Okay. Ignore me then.

  JOEY:

  Yuh.

  Lights rise on a small apartment. ROBYN is in the process of tidying up. To one side is a messed up fold-out bed. She wears her slip, bra, etc. Her other clothes are laid on a chair next to some male clothing. A shower is heard off. The shower stops.

  ROBYN:

  It’s ten to.

  JAKE:

  These love handles are becoming jelly rolls.

  JAKE enters from the bathroom in his boxer shorts. He’s drying his hair, etc.

  ROBYN:

  You look just fine.

  JAKE:

  (kisses her) So do you.

  They dress as they speak.

  Did we finish quicker than usual?

  ROBYN:

  The event was somewhat—truncated.

  JAKE:

  Really? I didn’t even—

  ROBYN:

  You’re distracted.

  JAKE:

  You didn’t come.

  ROBYN:

  Don’t worry.

  JAKE:

  You know I feel like a failure if I don’t get you off.

  ROBYN:

  Stop—

  JAKE

  Seriously.

  ROBYN:

  Twelve years and the times I haven’t gotten off I can count on one hand. Relax.

  JAKE:

  I guess I just—

  ROBYN:

  What?

  JAKE:

  Joey got an erection when I was bathing him today.

  ROBYN:

  Most teenage boys get an erection touching mud. I don’t think you should take it personally.

  JAKE:

  For a while it looked like he wouldn’t mature sexually at all.

  ROBYN

  : So it’s a good thing.

  JAKE:

  It’s just one more thing he knows he can’t do normally.

  ROBYN:

  Right.

  JAKE:

  When I was a kid extra chromosomes and unexplained bone mutations gave you super powers not crippling disabilities.

  ROBYN:

  Ha.

  JAKE folds the bedding.

  JAKE:

  How’s Howard?

  ROBYN:

  A bit depressed. He has been ever since Teddy got married.

  JAKE:

  Does he ever inquire about—these nights away?

  ROBYN:

  He’s less interested in my bridge club than I am in his quarterly visits to Vegas.

  JAKE:

  My family still buys the hockey thing. Even with the shape I’m in—

  ROBYN:

  Have you written anything?

  JAKE:

  I spend an hour in front of the keyboard every night after marking submissions but I just don’t have the—energy to sustain that kind of concentration. I wish I had the money to rent us a small place somewhere.

  ROBYN:

  Anastasia’s pottery class works out well for everyone. And don’t worry about Joey.

  JAKE:

  No?

  ROBYN:

  He’s still a teenage boy whatever his challenges. I raised two of them and it’s all about erections and crusty bedsheets. Very soon he’ll insist everything you say is wrong and you’ll spend three years feeling like the stupidest person in the world. You can’t take it personally.

  JAKE:

  I know. It’s just—he’s figuring out that there are no women who’d want him and that’s—it’s not fair.

  ROBYN:

  It’s not. I’m sorry. Anastasia will be back any second.

  JAKE:

  Thank you.

  JAKE kisses her quickly and exits. Lights rise on TWYLA in JAKE’s living room watching something on television while enjoying a drink. JAKE enters.

  Any drama?

  TWYLA:

  He made a bit of a fuss when I took the computer away but he’s out now.

  JAKE:

  Great.

  TWYLA:

  Who won?

  JAKE:

  I did.

  TWYLA:

  You know if there’s another night you want to go out I’ll watch him.

  JAKE:

  You do too much already.

  TWYLA:

  You need to get more exercise.

  JAKE:

  Hefting Joey around keeps me in shape.

  TWYLA:

  The Services will send people to help.

  JAKE:

  The Services are way more interested in monitoring my income to make sure I’m not “beating the system” than they are in helping us.

  TWYLA:

  There’s no shame in letting someone else take care of your special needs son from time to time.

  JAKE:

  He gets agitated if I’m away for too long.

  TWYLA:

  No he doesn’t. Jake—Viola and mom have been dead for fifteen years.

  JAKE:

  What’s your point?

  TWYLA:

  It wouldn’t kill you to develop a life.

  JAKE:

  Twyla—

  TWYLA:

  You’re not going to be around forever.

  JAKE:

  Neither is he.

  TWYLA:

  We don’t know that. His condition is so rare. He could outlive all of us.

  Pause.

  JAKE:

  You’re sure you’re okay to drive? The guest room’s—

  TWYLA:

  Whatever happened to those guys you used to pal around with? Attila and Chucky and that other guy? Whatsisname?

  JAKE:

  Sandro. That was high school. I haven’t seen them in decades.

&n
bsp; TWYLA:

  You should call them. Get together.

  JAKE:

  I wouldn’t even know what to say.

  TWYLA:

  Invite them over here.

  JAKE:

  And what—have them piss over the top of Joey’s reinforced toilet seat the way I do? Hope they look past the stains in the linoleum? The adult disposable diaper bin? No one wants to visit here.

  TWYLA:

  Then go out.

  JAKE:

  I don’t see that happening.

  TWYLA:

  What about writing another book?

  JAKE:

  Do you want me to walk you to the car?

  TWYLA:

  No I’m fine. Good night.

  JAKE:

  Thanks sis.

  TWYLA exits. A light rises on JOEY and ROWDY in the living room playing on the tablet.

  ROWDY:

  Okay now shoot the marine in the head and gun the engine.

  JOEY:

  Nuh? (Now?)

  ROWDY:

  Right now.

  JOEY bangs at the computer quickly.

  Great. Now run that hooker down and hit the old lady with the baby carriage.

  JOEY:

  Goh ih. (Got it.)

  ROWDY:

  Now go left. Left stupid!

  JOEY:

  Sih. (Shit.)

  ROWDY:

  I told you left.

  JOEY:

  Uh duh. (I died.)

  ROWDY:

  Sick game huh?

  JOEY:

  Yuh. Ah gunuh puh uguh un kih thah guh. (Yeah. I’m gonna play again and kill that guy.)

  ROWDY:

  In the next stage the marines become these roid monsters and you get a chainsaw.

  JOEY:

  Cuh. (Cool.)

  ROWDY takes the tablet from JOEY.

  ROWDY:

  This is a great thing.

  JOEY:

  Gih ih bug. (Give it back.)

  ROWDY:

  Relax. I’m checking it out.

  JOEY:

  Wowdee!

  ROWDY:

  There’s lotsa porn on here eh. Anything you can imagine and a buncha shit you can’t—

  JOEY hits ROWDY.

  JOEY:

  Gih ih bag. (Give it back.)

  ROWDY:

  Don’t fucking hit me.

  JOEY:

  Ih muh! (It’s mine!)

  ROWDY tosses the tablet onto JOEY’s chair.

  ROWDY:

  Now quit whining.

  TWYLA enters.

  TWYLA:

  Hello.

  JOEY:

  Huh Un Tuhluh. (Hi Aunt Twyla.)

  TWYLA:

  Where’s Jake?

  ROWDY:

  Had to run out.

  TWYLA:

  Who are you?

  JOEY: